At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
