i love accidental penises.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
