if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize