Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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