i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The maid of honor just puked.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Bring me that man meat
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
