I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize