Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
