I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
