I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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