Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
The air taste purple.
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