When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
