im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
