happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Sorry about my life...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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