I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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