I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
