so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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