peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
