She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
But theres a keg here and me gusta
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
