Whod you bang
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
