Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
