So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
