I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
