We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
