I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize