I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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