i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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