The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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