Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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