my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize