My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
