I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
