i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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