Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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