I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
