i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
