please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
