i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
