Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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