Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
