i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
