When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
