I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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