Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
