It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
