he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize