I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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