Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
