i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Randomize
