i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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