the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize