i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
