Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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