Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
