On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
