Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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