i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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