We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
