The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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