So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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