Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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