I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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