am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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