I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
the liver wants what the liver wants
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize