there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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