she woke up with a sticky ear
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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