I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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