Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
i think my cat just said my name.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
