I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
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