I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
