He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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