I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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