it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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