had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
