your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
My balls are so social today.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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