Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
